


Home

by InTheWind



Series: Living [4]
Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 16:48:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7515763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheWind/pseuds/InTheWind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Leanne’s brother-in-law shows up out of the blue, claiming that his mother is ill and needs to see her right away. As she faces her late husband’s family for the first time since the immediate aftermath of the accident, Leanne questions whether she’ll ever truly be able to move on while Cole refuses to give up on their burgeoning relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Reeby for the stunning artwork! She did a beautiful job and it was a really big motivator in getting me through that last little bit of the fic. And of course, thanks to the WIP Big Bang community for keeping me on track to finish in the first place!

2 a.m.

Mario caught a glimpse of the clock as he looked up for what had to be the first time in six hours, relieved to note that they were finally out of code black. Not that his night was about to get much easier—he still had to see to the backlog of less-urgent patients who would be none too pleased that their common colds or sprained ankles had been triaged behind such petty complaints as head traumas and heart attacks. Resigning himself to spending the rest of his shift being yelled at by people who had little to no business coming to the ER in the first place, he pulled back the curtain on his first bed to reveal a middle-aged man with towel wrapped tightly around one hand.

“Hi, Mr. Ror—” Mario did a double-take as he noted the name on the patient's chart.

“James Rorish,” the man supplied. “Call me Jamie. And I can tell by the look on your face that I'm in the right place, so tell me, Dr.—“ He squinted to read the name on Mario's badge. “—Savetti, where can I find my baby sister?”

Mario regained his composure long enough to stammer out “Uh, I'll be right back,” before backing away, leaving the curtain firmly closed. All he knew about Dr. Rorish's personal life was that she didn't have one, at least not since the accident. He had no idea how she'd react to this impromptu reunion, but it didn't seem entirely improbable that she'd shoot the messenger, so he went straight for the next best person.

“Jesse!”

He found the nurse in a quiet corner, catching up on paperwork. “Don't tell me we're in code black again,” he grumbled. “I just sat down.”

“No,” Mario said, “But there's a... situation... with a patient.”

Jesse's eyes narrowed. “Don't tell me that, either. What situation?”

“He says he's Dr. Rorish's brother.”

“Leanne doesn't have a brother,” Jesse said, casting a suspicious glance at the chart in Mario's hand. “Let Mama see that.”

Mario willingly handed it over and waited while Jesse scanned it, making a disapproving humming sound as he read.

“Jamie's her brother-in-law,” he said finally. “Says here he's in with a thumb laceration. You treat him?”

“Not yet.”

“Go do that,” Jesse ordered. “Don't worry about Daddy; I'll warn her.”

Mario nodded. Relieved that someone else was going to handle his temperamental boss, he took the chart back and went to see to his patient.

“Jamie, what the hell are you doing here?”

Leanne had tried to prepare herself, but she couldn't stop the surge of annoyance that coursed through her as she pulled back the curtain to reveal her late husband's older brother resting comfortably on a bed in _her_ ER while one of her residents stitched up his hand. He looked up at her with his trademark lopsided grin, dishwater blonde hair falling into his eyes. Women back home used to fall all over themselves for that look—she just wanted to smack it off his smarmy face.

“Well,” he said in an exaggerated drawl. “If it isn't little Leanne MacPherson.”

She glared at him. “I asked you a question.”

Jamie shrugged. “Had to get your attention somehow—I'm kidding, Leanne, don't give me that look. I was gonna come see you tomorrow, but then I cut my thumb trying to make dinner in that crappy hotel kitchen and I figured, you know, at least I know a good doctor in town. So here I am.”

“Uh huh.” Leanne slid a glance toward Mario, who was busy trying to finish up the sutures so that he could go be approximately anywhere else. “Dr. Savetti, when you're done here make sure this patient gets his discharge papers in a timely manner.”

“Aw, but Mario here and I were having so much fun getting to know each other,” Jamie objected. “Always so serious, that one,” he said to Mario. “You know, I've known that girl since she was thirteen years old. I used to catch her sneaking into my little brother's room in high school—they paid me to keep my mouth shut. You remember that, Leanne?”

“I remember you took my money and ratted me out to your parents anyway,” she said, unamused.

“Hell, it's not like they cared. You and Tim were the golden children.”

“Here it goes,” Leanne muttered. “Thirty years I've been listening to this shit.”

“Did you know that Momma still brags about you? Every chance she gets, she's going on about her daughter-in-law the brilliant doctor. Of course you wouldn't know that, 'cause you haven't been home in three years...”

“I've got work to do, Jamie.”

Leanne spun around and got halfway through the curtain before her brother-in-law's voice stopped her cold. “Momma's sick, Leanne.”

“No she's not,” Leanne said, turning back to face him. She shook her head in disbelief. “I just talked to her at Christmas. She would've told me.”

“She didn't want you to hear it over the phone,” he said. “She was hoping you'd come visit for the holidays, but... well, you never do anymore.”

“If you're making this up just to guilt trip me, Jamie, I swear to God...”

“You really think I'd fly across the country just for that? Dammit, Leanne. We're your family. That woman practically raised you.”

“Do you think I don't know that?” Leanne took a deep breath, fighting for composure as tears sprung to her eyes, all too aware that Mario was still present. “I can't do this right now,” she said, the words coming slow and deliberate. “I'm in the middle of a shift. Please, Jamie, just get fixed up and go.”

And before he could say another word, she disappeared behind the curtain.

“Hey, are we still on for Miller's tomorrow night?”

The next day was set to mark a rare occasion at Angels Memorial—Leanne, Jesse, and Neal were all off on the same night, and so they'd made plans to meet up at their favorite dive bar. Neal had been looking forward to it all week, so when he bumped into Leanne coming from a patient's bedside he made a point of reminding her.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” she said, clearly distracted.

Neal cocked his head, taking in the exhaustion etched onto her features. It had been a long night for all of them, but usually the adrenaline rush from a code black carried her well into the morning. “What's wrong?” he asked.

Leanne shook her head, flashing him a tight smile. “Nothing. Yeah, Miller's sounds good. I'll meet you guys there around 5, okay?”

“Yeah,” he said. He left it at that, knowing they both had patients to see, but he couldn't shake the vague worry that something wasn't quite right.

Leanne climbed out of a cab in front of Miller's at exactly 5 the next evening, relieved to see Jesse and Neal already staking out a pool table as she got inside. She'd spent all afternoon staring at her phone, scrolling through her contacts list until she found Jamie's name and then promptly losing her nerve to make the call. She figured a little liquid courage might not be the worst thing—and neither would spending a few hours with her friends, pointedly not thinking about what her brother-in-law had said.

She ordered a Corona and joined the guys. Jesse promptly handed her a cue stick.

“Not too big a crowd tonight,” he remarked. “I think you'll get a few takers, though. Just bat those big doe eyes you got.”

“Oh, so you that's why you two wanted me to come tonight,” she teased. “I thought we were gonna have a few beers and relax, but you just want to pimp me out for free drinks.”

It was a game they played almost every time: Find some poor sap willing to bet money against Leanne—usually the type to call her demeaning pet names and assume she didn't know the cue stick from the eight ball—then sit back and watch her wipe the floor with him. To date no one had been fool enough to play against her twice. Her skills had funded many a night out as well as provided hours of entertainment for Jesse and Neal.

“We just enjoy watching you take money from feeble-brained misogynists,” Neal said, throwing an arm around her shoulders. “And if you happen to use that money to buy a round for your friends, well...”

Leanne looked up at him with a saccharine smile. “Do I know you?”

“Cute,” Neal said. “Now, there's a guy behind you who looks like he might be your first victim. Of course, if you'd rather just sit here and stare at me and Jesse while you drink your beer, that's fine, too.”

Leanne took a swig from her bottle before smirking. “What the hell, it's not like I don't see enough of your ugly mugs. Where's the sucker?”

She looked behind her, following Neal's gaze to the front door. The smile died on her lips as she realized just who he'd been unwittingly referring to: Jamie had just walked in, and had apparently honed in on her immediately. As soon as he saw that she'd spotted him, he flashed that obnoxious grin and ambled over.

“What, are you stalking me now?” she asked.

“Didn't have to,” he said. “I heard you talking to some British guy last night about going to some place called Miller's, so I looked up the closest one to Angels and here you are.”

“My mistake,” she said dryly. “That doesn't sound like stalking at all.”

“I'm just trying to talk to you, Leanne. You can't shut us out forever; I won't let you break Momma's heart like that.”

“I told you, I talked to her—”

“At Christmas, yeah. And maybe you feel like you've done your familial duty and can go back to pretending we don't exist for another year, but I'm sorry, that's not good enough anymore.”

Leanne put the cue stick down on the table, giving up all hope of having a decent night. “What do you want from me, Jamie?”

He stepped toward her, and Leanne stiffened. From the corner of her eye she saw Neal looking like he was about to interfere before Jesse reached out and pulled him back, giving her the space to handle this on her own.

“I want you to stop acting like you're the only one who lost them,” Jamie said, his voice low and taut.

Leanne bristled. “I never said I was!”

“Then come home, for Chrissakes! Do something to deserve that pedestal my mother's put you on all these years. I'm tired of it. Ever since we were kids you and Tim could do no wrong, but somehow whenever anybody needed anything it was always all on me. You two fucked off all the way across the country, and you were still the favorites—while I stayed and did all the work. My brother didn't know a damn thing about family, and apparently neither do you.”

Leanne's eyes flashed and she felt her blood run white-hot. “You go to hell,” she spat. “Your brother was the best man I ever knew—he was the best man you ever knew, too, and you'd appreciate that if you didn't have your head stuck so far up your own ass. Did it ever occur to you that the reason your mom was so proud of us was because we got out and made something of ourselves? Because we didn't just spend our whole lives sitting around our hometown, bitching to anyone who'd listen about how nothing was ever our fault? Or how about the fact that our kids knew they had two parents who loved them every second of every day while you could barely be bothered to see your son after Sarah finally left your cheating ass? Don't you dare lecture me about family. Your brother died knowing more about the subject than you could ever hope to learn.”

She didn't realize Cole had arrived until he was standing directly behind Jamie, looking between the two of them with a concerned expression. She had invited him somewhat impulsively as they'd left the hospital after their shift that morning—with the heavy implication that great harm would befall him should their colleagues come to suspect that they'd been secretly sleeping together for weeks. Now she forgot all about Neal and Jesse as she looked to him for help.

“Do you want to go?” he asked.

Leanne nodded. “Please.”

She set her beer down on the nearest table and pushed past Jamie without a backward glance, relieved to feel Cole's hand securely on the small of her back as they left the bar. He steered her to his car and mercifully didn't ask any questions until they were safely back at her place.

“He's just always had this way of getting to people,” she said while curling into him on her couch, after explaining who Jamie was and why he'd come. “He was the only person I ever saw who could push Timothy's buttons, and now I'm letting him do it to me, too.”

“Family's like that,” Cole reasoned. “Look at me and my father. I think the more important question is, what are you going to do now?”

“What do you mean?”

“About your mother-in-law,” he clarified. He idly ran his fingers through her long, loose hair. “She's sick, right? Do you want to see her?”

Leanne buried her face in his chest, muffling her voice as she said, “It's complicated.”

“I get why it would be painful for you to be around them,” Cole said. “It's probably the same reason my dad shut me out after my mom died. But I have to tell you, as someone who was on the receiving end of it, it really sucks. I'm not saying you should go just for her sake—ultimately I think it sucked for my dad just as much as it did for me. If there's any part of you that wants to go, Leanne, I think you'll regret it if you don't.”

“It's not that,” she said. She looked up at him with damp eyes. “Why would she want to see me?” she asked, her voice breaking. “Jamie said I think I'm the only one who lost them, but I don't—that's why I haven't gone home. She lost her son and her grandchildren, and somehow I'm still here. Why would she want to be reminded of that?”

“Is that all you think you are to her?” Cole asked. “A walking reminder? It sounded like you two were closer than that.”

“We were,” she confirmed. “She and Russ were more like mother and father to me than my own parents were... but everything's different now.”

“For her, or for you?” he asked. “Let me put it another way: Are you afraid that seeing _her_ will remind _you_ of your family?”

“Of course not,” Leanne said. “You can't be reminded of something you never stop thinking about in the first place.”

“Then what makes you think it's any different for her?”

Leanne sighed, wiping the few stray tears from her face. “Okay, fine. I guess I should call her.” She pulled her phone out of her pocket, then paused. “Do you know what time it is in Virginia?”

“They're three hours ahead, right?” he said, glancing at the time on her screen. “It's barely 9.”

“Right.”

“Hey,” he said, placing a reassuring hand on her leg. “I can stay while you talk to her, if that'll help.”

She nodded.

“Okay. I'm right here.”

With shaking hands, she found Diana Rorish in her list of contacts and pressed Dial. Within seconds she heard her mother-in-law's voice on the other end of the line.

“Momma, it's me,” she said, tensing as she heard the tremor in her own voice. Cole rubbed her shoulder comfortingly.

“Leanne? Honey, what's wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, forcing a smile. “Nothing's wrong. Actually, I just called to see how you're doing.”

“Well, aren't you sweet. I'm fine. You know, same old. But how are you—how's work? How's Jesse?”

Leanne sighed. “I'm fine, Momma. Work's fine. Jesse's... Jesse. Listen, um... Jamie came to see me.”

Diana was quiet for so long Leanne almost thought the call had been dropped. “Well,” she said finally, as diplomatically as ever, “That must have been a nice surprise. I didn't even know he was in California. Did you have a chance to catch up?”

“We did,” Leanne said evenly. At Cole's silent urging, she bit her lip and got down to the point. “He told me that you're sick, Momma. Is that true?”

“Oh, he shouldn't have bothered you with that,” Diana replied cheerily. “It's just normal old lady stuff, nothing for you to worry about. Now, what about that new boss of yours—how's that working out? She's not giving you a hard time still, is she?”

The rest of the conversation proceeded in much the same way; whenever Leanne tried to ask about Diana's health or how things were back home, the older woman would dismiss the question with a vaguely positive-sounding response before changing the subject back to Leanne. After some more fruitless back and forth Leanne ended the conversation, making her usual empty promises about trying to schedule a visit soon. This time, they weren't so empty.

“What's wrong?” Cole asked, reading the expression on her face as she hung up.

“I have to go out there,” Leanne told him.

Cole looked puzzled. “I thought it sounded like she was fine.”

Leanne shook her head. “There was something she wasn't saying. I've known that woman almost my whole life, and I've never heard her so disinterested in talking about herself. Something's wrong.”

With Cole by her side, she called Jamie and began making plans to fly back east.

“You're leaving _when_?”

“I know it's short notice, but aren't you the one who wanted me to take some time off?”

Gina sighed. “I just wanted you to stop racking up overtime. You know, take a day off once in a while, maybe even a weekend? Not drop everything and leave for a week.”

“Technically it's not a _full_ week,” Leanne said in her own defense. “I'm flying out tomorrow and coming home Thursday night, so I'll be back in time to work the weekend.” Her boss seemed unimpressed with that argument, so Leanne switched tactics. “I know you haven't been here long, Gina, but if you've read through all of Mark's personnel files then you know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.”

“Point taken,” Gina said. “But you're the one telling Rollie and Neal that we're going to be down an attending all week.”

Leanne left Gina's office relieved to have gotten at least one difficult conversation over with. To check the next one off her to-do list she went in search of her friends, but first bumped into Mario outside the locker rooms.

“Just the man I wanted to see,” she said, then quickly added, “Relax, Dr. Savetti. You're not in trouble.”

Mario looked confused. “But you wanted to see me?”

Leanne cleared her throat uncomfortably. “I, uh... I wanted to apologize to you, about the other night. It was unprofessional of me to get into it with my brother-in-law at work, and I'm sorry you had to listen to that. It won't happen again.”

“Oh,” Mario said. His eyes darted around for an escape route; he clearly didn't want to be present for this conversation any more than he'd wanted to witness the one between Leanne and Jamie. “Yeah, no big. We're cool.”

“Cool,” she repeated, amused in spite of herself. “Good. Glad we had this talk. Now get back to work.” She held back laughter as she watched him dash off, for the first time downright eager to do as he'd been told.

A flood of patients kept Leanne from talking to Neal and Jesse for most of the night, but they cornered her around 5 a.m. in the hallway where she'd gone to take a breather.

“You want to tell us what happened last night?” Jesse asked.

“We we were worried,” Neal added. “Didn't you get our texts?”

“I did,” she admitted. “I'm sorry, I just... had a lot to deal with.” She filled them in on her call with her mother-in-law and subsequent travel plans. “After Diana wouldn't tell me anything, I finally got the nerve to call Jamie and get the whole story,” she explained. “Over the holidays he noticed she'd been feeling run down and getting headaches a lot, and she got dizzy a few times when he took her out shopping, so he got concerned and talked her into going to the doctor. The blood tests confirmed it's polycythemia vera, but that doesn't really tell me much.”

“Blood cancer,” Neal said. “I'm so sorry, Leanne. Do you know if she's undergoing treatment?”

Leanne shook her head. “That's why I'm going out there; I can't find anything out over the phone. Diana won't tell me, and Jamie just flipped out when he heard cancer—that's why he came to get me. He didn't even realize until we talked that people can live with this for years without necessarily needing anything more than monitoring. I have no way of knowing how advanced her case is from here.”

Jesse squeezed her hand. “You know if there's anything we can do...”

“I know,” Leanne said. “Thanks, guys.”

She thought the conversation was over, but Jesse held onto her hand and exchanged an uncomfortable glance with Neal.

“What?” she asked, looking between them.

“You know we love you and we just want you to be happy, right?” Jesse said.

Leanne narrowed her eyes and yanked her hand back, suddenly suspicious. “Yeah...?”

“And we noticed you were the only one not surprised to see Cole Guthrie turn up at the bar yesterday,” Neal said. “And then you left with him almost immediately.”

Leanne scowled. “I left with him to get away from Jamie, because it was faster than waiting for a cab,” she said. “And yes, I did invite him to come out with us. He works here now and I thought it would be nice. Is that a problem?”

“Of course not,” Neal said a little too quickly.

“We just don't want to see you get hurt,” Jesse added.

“I hardly see how I'm going to get hurt by accepting a ride from a co-worker, but thanks, I guess,” she said. “Can we go back to work now?”

“By all means,” Jesse said, gesturing for her to lead the way.

Leanne went back into the ER suddenly relieved by the prospect of spending a week somewhere else.


	2. Chapter 2

“That's all you're wearing?”

Leanne looked down at her jeans and Angels Memorial fleece, then back at her brother-in-law, who was bundled in a t-shirt and sweater with a bulky winter coat under his arm.

“Don't tell me you've been away so long that you've forgotten what actual winters feel like,” Jamie continued. “You'll freeze to death before we even get out of the airport.”

She scowled at him. “You try finding a winter coat in Southern California at the last minute,” she said.

“What happened to your old one?”

“I don't know,” she sighed. “I threw almost everything into storage when I sold the house; it probably wound up there.”

She'd barely had time to pack between coming home from work and leaving for the airport; she certainly hadn't had time to sleep, and she was so exhausted she doubted she'd even notice the cold. After spending all night dodging Gina's less-than-favorable response to her sudden request for time off and Neal and Jesse's suspicions about her relationship with Cole, she was hardly in the mood to argue. Ignoring Jamie's concerned look, she grabbed her carry-on and led him to the security line.

They hardly talked as they waited for their government-sanctioned pat down. After they and their belongings had been deemed safe enough for the friendly skies, Jamie bought them each a cup of coffee and they settled down at their gate.

“I'm sorry,” Jamie said finally. “You know, for what I said about Tim and family. You were right. He was a great brother, and I never should have said otherwise.”

Leanne nodded. She choked down a sip of coffee, pretending the tears at the corners of her eyes were just from the hot liquid burning her tongue. “I'm sorry, too,” she said. “For what I said about you not seeing Trevor—that was low.”

“Truth is, I probably should see him more than I do,” Jamie admitted. “I still lie awake sometimes and wonder how a screw-up like me can still walk around while you and Tim did everything right, and look what happened. It doesn't make any damn sense.”

“You don't have to tell me,” Leanne said bitterly.

“I know.” Jamie squeezed her shoulder. “I have to tell you, there's a part of me that kind of missed this, though.”

She raised an eyebrow. “What, sitting on hard chairs and getting groped by the TSA?”

Jamie laughed. “Hanging out with you,” he clarified. “Even when we're arguing like siblings. Maybe especially then.” He looked away for a moment as his expression grew serious. “I lost my brother, Leanne,” he said quietly. “I just want my little sister back. That's why I came here; that's all I'm asking.”

She nodded, gently bumping her shoulder into his. “I missed you, too,” she admitted. “Even if you can be a real ass when you want to be.”

“Yeah,” he said with a wide smile. “Yeah, guilty as charged.”

Leanne grinned back at him. For the first time in three years, she was looking forward to going home.

Leanne slept for most of the flight. All those years of switching between day and night shifts at the hospital finally worked to her advantage; she wasn't at all disoriented to realize it was already dark out when they left the airport after landing in Dulles. Jamie, on the other hand, was not used to feeling like the day had gone on without him, and she was amused to see him check the time on his phone every few seconds on the shuttle from the airport to his car.

They were both laughing as they climbed into his rusty old pick-up, teasing each other about his inability to adjust to the time change and her stubborn refusal to admit that she was freezing. But as they drove deeper into suburban Virginia Leanne grew pensive, and as they began passing familiar landmarks she found it harder and harder to pretend that her shivering was just from the cold.

Finally they pulled up in front of the brick-front colonial that had been her second home for as long as she could remember. For a minute she just stared up at the window above the garage where she spent so many nights sneaking up to see Timothy, unable to believe that she was here without him. Jamie jumped out of the truck and slammed the door shut, jarring her back to the present. He went around and opened her door in a habitual show of chivalry for which she would normally give him some cutting remark or another, but this time she quietly got out of the car.

Diana burst onto the small porch before they'd even gotten halfway up the front walk. “There's my girl!” she exclaimed, ushering them toward the door. “Leanne, honey, where's your coat? Come on, let's get you inside.”

Leanne mustered a smile and a “Hi, Mom,” as she stepped into the foyer. Tim's parents had always treated her like their own daughter, and there was a time when she loved nothing more than to walk into her in-laws' house and immediately feel that she was home—but after three years on her own, being mothered again felt almost stifling.

Still, when Diana reached out and wrapped her in a hug she found herself clinging to the older woman, blinking back tears for reasons she couldn't quite name.

“I'm so happy you're home, sweet girl,” Diana whispered in her ear. After a few seconds, she gave Leanne one last squeeze and stepped back. “Now let's get you two some dinner. You must be starving!”

“I hope you didn't go to any trouble,” Leanne said, knowing full well that Diana had probably cooked enough for a small army. Sure enough, there was a veritable feast laid out on the dining room table.

“I got so excited when Jamie said you were coming to visit,” Diana explained. “And anyway, it's supposed to snow. We'll be happy to have the leftovers.”

Leanne nodded politely as they all sat down, but no one managed more than a few bites in between small talk that evening. She spent the meal studying her mother-in-law; Diana had lost weight since she last saw her, and her face looked slightly sunburned despite the fact that it was mid-January. But her hair was the same manufactured shade of wheat blonde it always was, and her eyes were just as sharp—Leanne tried to ignore the fact that the older woman was scrutinizing her right back, no doubt trying to determine whether she'd been taking care of herself. She was grateful when the conversation lulled enough for her to volunteer to clear the table.

She took her time doing the dishes and putting the leftovers away, enjoying the relative peace after a full day of traveling with Jamie. When she ran out of chores to do she found him and Diana in the living room, watching some mindless sitcom she didn't recognize. Diana immediately turned the volume down and motioned for her to join them.

“I hear my son has a big mouth,” she said as Leanne settled onto the couch. “I'm glad you're here, sweetheart, but if you came because you're worried about me then you wasted a trip. Like I said, I'm fine.”

“I can see that,” Leanne said diplomatically. “All the same, I wish you'd told me sooner. What good is having a doctor in the family if you don't let me take care of you every once in a while?”

Diana waved her off. “I'm sure you have better things to do than come look after your old mother-in-law.”

“No, I don't,” Leanne said with a snort. “And anyway, I'm here now for a whole week and Jamie said you have an appointment with the hematologist tomorrow. Will you at least let me come with you?”

“Well, I guess as long as you're here...” Diana said, pretending to be put out.

Leanne smirked. “Thanks, Mom.” She felt her phone vibrating in her pocket and pulled it out, expecting to see a text from Jesse or Neal. Instead it was Cole checking to see if she'd gotten in okay.

The surprise registered on her face, prompting Diana to ask, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Leanne said, offering a quick smile. “Just a friend from work asking how the flight went.”

“Oh, Jesse?” Diana guessed. “Tell him I said hi.”

“Different friend,” Leanne explained as she typed out a short response: _At my MIL's. Got here fine. How are things at work?_

“Is it that guy you left the bar with the other night?” Jamie asked.

Leanne looked up sharply. She wanted to kill Jamie, but she realized Diana was watching her with a curious expression and decided her best bet was to play it off. “That's the one,” she said a little too cheerfully.

“Well, tell me about him,” Diana said, slapping Leanne's leg playfully. “What's his name?”

“His name is Cole,” Leanne said. “But Momma, whatever you're thinking it's not like that. He's the new surgical attending, that's all.”

Cole chose that moment to text back: _Well the ER's on fire and the residents are all surfing down the hallway on gurneys, but other than that everything's fine. Barely even noticed you were gone._ Leanne smiled in spite of herself.

“Okay,” Diana said in a tone that clearly indicated she didn't believe a word out of her daughter-in-law's mouth. “Well, I'm glad you're making more friends, honey.”

“Mmmhmm,” Leanne replied. She waited until Jamie and Diana's attention drifted back to the TV, then texted back: _Can't talk now. Can I call you later?_

A few hours later, after Jamie had left and Diana had gone to bed, Leanne found herself in her husband's old room for the first time since the accident. Not much had changed about it since they were kids; his parents had never redecorated after the boys moved out, and whenever they stayed over she used to tease him about how they'd kept it as a shrine. Now seeing his trophies and knickknacks on every surface only served to heighten her inescapable sense of guilt as she took out her phone to FaceTime Cole.

“Hey,” he said when he finally picked up. From the background she could tell that he'd ducked into a stairwell to take the call. “How is everything? Is Diana okay?”

“She says she is,” Leanne replied. “I'm going with her to the doctor tomorrow; I guess I'll know more then.”

“That's good,” he said. There was a pause, and then, “Is something else wrong?”

Leanne hesitated. Timothy was everywhere around her; she felt the walls closing in. “This isn't going to work,” she said finally. “This... us... whatever we're doing. I think we need to stop before it goes any farther.”

“What—why? Leanne, talk to me.”

It wasn't what she'd meant to say, and the look on his face made her want to take it all back, but as she sat back on her late husband's bed she felt a weight on her chest that seemed to leave her no other choice. “I'm sorry,” she said. “It's just getting too complicated. Jesse and Neal already suspect that something's going on between us, and now I'm pretty sure Jamie and Diana do, too.”

“And that's why you're breaking up with me?” he interjected. “You care that much about what other people think?”

“Of course not!” Tears welled up in her eyes as she started to explain, “It's not just that. I told you from the beginning that I wasn't ready, remember? I'm sorry, Cole. I never wanted to hurt you, I just... I can't handle this right now.”

That seemed to chasten him. “Alright,” he said. “Well, if I pushed you into something you weren't ready for... I'm not going to keep pushing. If this is what you want...”

“It's what I need,” she told him.

Cole nodded. “I just want you to know one thing,” he said. “I care about you, Leanne. That's not going to stop. And I know better than anyone how hard this thing with your in-laws has been for you, so if you want to talk or if you need anything—anytime—you can call me, okay? No matter what.”

“Yeah,” she said hoarsely. As the tears began to fall, she quickly ended the call, leaving herself alone in the darkened room.

She cried herself to sleep that night, but for once she wasn't sure if she was crying for the life she'd already lost or the one she was still afraid to let herself live.

“Isn't it customary for the patient to be the one getting anxious in waiting rooms?”

“Hm?”

“You haven't stopped fidgeting since we got here.”

Leanne shoved her hands into the pockets of the old coat Diana had lent her, making a concerted effort to stay still. “I'm sorry, Momma. Guess I had a little too much coffee this morning.”

“You didn't sleep?” Diana asked.

Leanne shrugged. “Jet lag,” she explained. “The first night's always rough, you know?”

The older woman wasn't buying it. “It's only a three hour time difference,” she pointed out.

Fortunately the nurse appeared at that moment to call Diana back to the exam room, saving Leanne from having to respond. Their conversation focused on Diana's latest symptoms and previous appointments until the doctor finally entered the room.

“Dr. Scott, this is my daughter-in-law, Leanne—the one I told you about,” Diana introduced. Leanne raised an eyebrow, realizing for the first time that Jamie hadn't been exaggerating about his mother's propensity for bragging about her.

They exchanged polite greetings before Leanne got down to business, grilling the other physician about her mother-in-law's prognosis and his plan for treatment. He took it in stride, answering her questions in detail without any of the overly-cheery assurances usually reserved for patients' families. Although she was loath to trust another doctor with the care of one of her relatives, by the end of the appointment Leanne had to admit she'd developed a grudging professional respect for him. They left with a prescription for lab work and a follow-up appointment.

“So, what do you think?” Diana prompted once they were in the parking lot.

“Well, he's not me,” Leanne teased. “But he seems to know what he's doing. And we'll have to wait until the test results come back to know for sure, but at this point you probably don't need much intervention, just monitoring—but I do want you to tell me when that changes, okay?”

Diana reached for Leanne's hand and gave it a squeeze. “I promise,” she said. “No more secrets between us, hmm?”

She got into the car, leaving Leanne to wonder exactly what she meant.

After a full day of tagging along with Diana, Leanne was hoping to spend the evening doing not much of anything at all, preferably from the comfort of the living room couch in front of the television. Jamie had other plans; when they got back to the house he was already in the kitchen, heating up the remains of yesterday's dinner.

“Hey, Momma,” he said as they walked in. “How'd your appointment go?”

“Good,” Diana said, raising her cheek to accept a kiss hello from her son. “He actually managed to hold his own against our girl here. I was impressed.”

Jamie flashed his trademark grin. “Is that so? Actually I just came by to borrow Leanne for a few hours, but if she can't manage to out-doctor some small-town specialist then maybe I should let her rest...”

“Nonsense,” Diana insisted. “Getting out will be good for her.”

Leanne looked back and forth between them, annoyed at being spoken about as if she wasn't in the room. “Getting out where? Borrow me for what?”

“Fives,” Jamie said, in a tone that clearly implied she should have been able to guess. “It's dollar draft night.”

“It's a _Tuesday_ night,” Leanne pointed out.

“You got work tomorrow?” he asked. “Yeah, didn't think so. Come on, grab some food and we'll go. You remember what happened the last time you drank on an empty stomach...”

“I can't believe you're still giving me crap for that! I was seventeen; you shouldn't have been buying us beer in the first place.”

“I'll pretend I'm not hearing any of this,” Diana said dryly. She nudged Leanne. “Eat. Go. Have fun. You're on vacation, remember?”

“I'm here to see you,” Leanne countered.

“And you've seen me,” Diana replied. “And you'll see me again tomorrow, and the day after that. Tonight, you go out and have a good time.”

Leanne sighed. Tacitly admitting defeat, she piled a plate with leftovers and shoved it in the microwave while Diana told Jamie all about their day.

An hour later they were walking into the dingy sports bar on the edge of town where Leanne had had her first legal drink (and several illegal ones before that). As her eyes adjusted to the dim light she saw that not much had changed since then, except that now the middle-aged men huddled around the TV behind the bar were her own peers and not those of her parents. She tried not to be too jarred by that realization as the few patrons began to take notice of her. She felt the weight of every eye on her and shrank subconsciously toward Jamie, who led her to a couple of empty stools and protectively seated himself between her and the gawkers.

“I forgot how much I hate small towns,” she muttered.

“So you want to tell me how things really went?” he asked her after they'd ordered their drinks. “You're not the only one my mom's been putting on a brave face for. I can't get a straight answer out of her on anything.”

“Honestly, at this point there's not much to tell,” she said. “The biopsy showed a high red blood cell count consistent with the diagnosis.” She started rattling off the next steps in her familiar medical jargon, only to realize she was quickly losing her audience. “Look, right now all it means is that she needs regular phlebotomy treatments—that's just like donating blood, it's just a way to remove the extra red blood cells. She'll be fine, Jamie. People live with this for years and years.”

He nodded. “So I freaked out and dragged you here for nothing?”

Leanne smiled. “I'm glad you did,” she admitted. “You were right; I should have come home sooner.”

“Well, I'm glad you're here now.”

“Me too.”

They lingered over a couple of beers, reminiscing about the good old days. For the first time in three years Leanne was able to talk about the past without that ache in her chest that usually accompanied thoughts of her husband and kids; it helped that, for all his flaws as a brother, Jamie had been possibly the one person on earth who'd known Tim as well as she had. Listening to him tell stories was as close as she'd come since the accident to feeling like part of Timothy was there with her, and she reveled in it.

By the time he dropped her off at Diana's, a warm, content feeling had settled over her. As she crept up the stairs, trying not to wake her mother-in-law, she allowed herself to stop and admire the family photos lining the wall. Many of the pictures had been there for as long as she could remember—Diana and her late husband on their wedding day, Jamie and Timothy as boys. As the years progressed Leanne found photos of herself with Tim, in a formal pose at their high school prom and in candid shots with Jamie and Sarah, the four of them smiling and happy. Then came their wedding portraits and pictures of the grandkids: her son, Max, playing with his cousin Trevor; her daughter, Olivia, clinging to her father's side. Finally she came to the last picture of her family intact. It was taken a few months before the accident, and featured 11-year-old Max making faces at 7-year-old Livvie to make her laugh at a family barbecue while their parents looked on in the background, their arms around each other. Leanne stared at this picture for a long time.

She didn't realize she was crying until she heard Diana's footsteps on the stairs behind her and felt the older woman's arms pulling her close. They sank down onto the steps together, Leanne curling into her mother-in-law as she finally let go.

“It's the stupidest thing,” Leanne said finally, her voice still thick and hoarse.

“What is, sweetheart?”

“That picture... I can't even remember if it's the last one we took. Of the four of us, I mean, as a family—I'm sure there were others of the kids, and God knows I haven't even looked at any in so long it doesn't even matter, but it's just killing me that I can't remember. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much.” She shrugged helplessly, wiping the tears from her cheek with the back of her hand. “Maybe I'm finally just losing it,” she said with a joyless laugh.

“No, baby,” Diana said, brushing Leanne's hair back from her face. “Not even close.” She paused, then admitted, “For me it was ice cream. You know, they have so many different concoctions these days—when I was a kid it was just chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry. Anyway, I was in the grocery store one day and I don't know what on earth even made me think of it, but all of a sudden I realized I couldn't remember which one I always used to get for Livvie. There I was, standing in the middle of the freezer aisle crying my eyes out because I couldn't remember my granddaughter's favorite flavor. In that moment, it seemed like the most important thing in the world. But you know what?”

“What?”

“I realized that the things that are really important are the things I never forgot, like the way her face used to light up when she realized I bought a special carton just for her even though nobody else liked the stuff, or the way she and the boys used to race each other to the table when I called them in for dessert. I think we get caught up on remembering every little detail because we're afraid that we're going to start forgetting them, but honey, that could never happen. We're never going to forget the things that made them who they were. _Those_ memories are what we need to keep close, not the last picture you took or what flavor Olivia happened to like best.”

Leanne nodded, smiling as she pictured her daughter running to the kitchen table in anticipation of a bowl of ice cream. “It was Half Baked,” she said, almost as an afterthought. “She never wanted to choose between fudge brownie and cookie dough.”

“That's right,” Diana recalled. “See that? We don't even have to forget the little things; we can remind each other.”

“Yeah,” Leanne said. She dragged herself to her feet, then reached down to help the older woman up. “Goodnight, Mom.”

“Goodnight, honey.” Diana patted Leanne's hand for good measure, then left her to make her way upstairs alone.


	3. Chapter 3

Leanne awoke that night to the sound of her daughter crying in the next room.

At least, she was sure that's what she'd heard. As the sleep-induced fog began to lift, she realized the house was eerily quiet. She reached over to nudge Tim and ask him to check on Livvie, but her hand found only the cold empty sheets on his side of the bed. Assuming he must have gotten up to chase their little girl's nightmares away already, she rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

And all of a sudden, she remembered.

Now wide awake, Leanne grasped for her phone on the nightstand. With shaking hands she texted the first person who came to mind: _Did you mean it when you said I could still talk to you?_

Cole FaceTimed her within minutes. Dispensing with pleasantries, he went straight to, “What's wrong?”

The floodgates opened for the second time that night, and Leanne struggled to compose herself long enough to explain why she'd called. “I thought I heard her,” she said. “Olivia, my daughter—I was asleep and I woke up because I heard her crying, like she'd had a nightmare. It sounded so real... for a second I really believed that Tim had gone to check on her, and Max was still asleep, and everything was fine... I really thought they were here.”

Cole was silent for a long time, just watching with a concerned expression as she cried. Finally, he said, “Whenever I visit my dad's place, I still expect my mom to come walking through the door. No matter how many years it's been it never stops feeling like there's something missing. Even now, if I'm there and he gets a package or we order take-out or something, the second I hear someone at the door my mind just immediately goes to her, even though I know it's impossible.”

“So this feeling never goes away?”

“Would you want it to?”

“I don't know,” she admitted. “I mean, for that one brief second the world just felt so right, you know? Like that's the closest I'll ever come to having them back. But then when I realized... God, it was like losing them all over again.”

“I know,” he said. “But it's not just the bad stuff that comes back to you in moments like that. Eventually you start remembering the good things, too.”

Leanne nodded. “I was talking to Diana about that before,” she said, shifting slightly as she leaned back against the headboard. “She reminded me that there's all these little things I haven't let myself think about in years, things that seemed so meaningless at the time but that made them who they were.”

“Like what?” he prompted.

“Don't you have to get back to work?” she asked.

Cole looked around, revealing in the background that he was not in the hospital but in his own living room. “It's my night off. I'm all yours.”

She groaned. “Right, it's Tuesday. I'm keeping you awake. I'm so sorry, Cole, I shouldn't have texted you—”

“Stop,” he interrupted. “I told you you could talk to me anytime, and I meant it. Besides,” he added with a laugh, “Your schedule's just as bad as mine is, which means you know damn well I was still up watching crappy TV. Believe me, I'd much rather be talking to you.”

Leanne nodded and relaxed again. The truth was, her conversations with Jamie and Diana had brought up a lot of memories she hadn't been prepared to deal with, and it was a relief to talk to someone who didn't have his own feelings about her family that she felt she had to tiptoe around. She'd talked to him about her past before, but only in neat little stories that could be packaged and preserved like photographs. She'd never opened up to him about the messier parts—like her simultaneous fears of forgetting and of letting go—but she felt ready now. She trusted him.

They talked into the early hours of the morning. Leanne felt it was the most honest conversation she'd had in years; still, there was something she held back. She kept the focus on her children, or her family as a unit, but not once did she mention her husband in his own right. It still felt wrong somehow, talking to Cole about Tim. She didn't want to think about what that unease meant, but it nagged at the pit of her stomach as she finally drifted off to sleep.

Leanne stumbled into the kitchen the next morning and went straight for the coffeepot. She helped herself to the biggest mug she could find, not bothering with milk or sugar. She was halfway through her second cup and almost feeling human again when Diana came in through the back door, stomping the snow from her boots.

“It's starting to stick already,” she announced. “I think we'll get more than they predicted at this rate.”

“Hmm,” Leanne replied, staring into her coffee.

“Didn't sleep?” Diana asked sympathetically as she pulled her own mug out of the cabinet. “I got up to use the bathroom last night and I thought I heard you talking to someone.”

“I was talking to Cole—my friend from work that I told you about.”

Diana gave Leanne a knowing look as she stirred milk into her coffee. “He must be a good friend. What was it, midnight on the west coast?”

“That's the beauty of working night shift, Momma,” Leanne demured. “If you can't sleep, there's always somebody else who's up, too.”

Diana looked like she was about to say something else, but they were interrupted by the front door slamming open and shut.

“Gram, you're gonna need some more ice melt,” came a deep male voice Leanne didn't quite recognize. “I finished the front steps but there's still the sidewalk, and—Aunt Leanne?!?”

The bearded teenager barreling into the kitchen was much too grown up to be Leanne's nephew, but when he saw her he stopped short and his face took on the boyish excitement of the little kid she remembered. She stood up and held her arms out as he rushed toward her for a hug, althought she was startled to realize that it was he who enveloped her and not the other way around. “Trevor, baby, when did you get so big?”

“I dunno,” he said, shrugging in the awkward way of adolescent boys who've been asked stupid questions by adult relatives. In a more excited tone, he asked, “Did you just get here? How long are you staying?”

“Just 'til tomorrow, honey,” she said, sidestepping the first question entirely.

“Your aunt got a couple of days off and decided to come surprise me,” Diana quickly offered by way of explanation. “Isn't that nice?”

“It was all very last minute,” Leanne added, taking her mother-in-law's lead in not mentioning the true reason for her visit. “I'm glad you're here—I was afraid I wouldn't get a chance to see you before I fly back tomorrow.”

“ _If_ you fly back tomorrow,” Trevor corrected, nodding toward the kitchen window. “School's closed for today and tomorrow, and they're already talking about Monday. Last I heard, we might get up to three feet.”

“What?” Leanne said, rushing over to the window. For the first time that morning, she looked out and realized the ground was already covered in powdered white nuisance—and more was falling from the sky at an alarming rate. “When I booked the tickets they said a couple inches, tops.”

“Well, there's weathermen for you,” Diana said with a gleam in her eye that suggested she wasn't in the least bit upset over the possibility of Leanne's flight being canceled. “Nothing you can do about it now. Why don't you go out and help your nephew with the shoveling?”

Leanne was about to protest—she had to call the airline, and Gina, and figure out a plan in case she did indeed get stuck—but Trevor's face lit up at the suggestion and she didn't have the heart to say no. “Alright,” she said with a sigh. “Momma, do you have some spare gloves I can borrow?”

“And a hat, a scarf, boots...” Diana listed affirmatively. “Trevor, go easy on your aunt. A few years in California and she's completely forgotten what winter is.”

Leanne scowled, but her mother-in-law left the room to gather her winter accoutrements before she had a chance to think of a retort. Instead she sat back down at the table to finish her coffee while she waited. Trevor took the seat next to her.

“So not that I'm not happy to see you...” the boy started.

“But why am I really here?” Leanne guessed.

“Actually,” Trevor said, “I was gonna ask why you haven't come before.”

It was a valid question. Leanne put her mug down, biting her lip thoughtfully.

“I mean,” he continued, “Why do you want to see us now when you never have before?”

“Oh, honey,” she said, reaching out to cover his hand with hers. “It wasn't that I didn't want to see you—that's never been true, not even for a minute. I missed you more than I can say. I just... I thought it would be too hard.”

“And is it?”

“A little, yeah,” she admitted. “But it's been good, too. And I promise I won't wait three years to come back next time.”

Trevor smiled, clearly reassured. “Okay, good.”

Leanne waited until Trevor left to collapse onto the living room couch next to Diana, muscles screaming from hours of horseplay. “Ugh,” she groaned. “When did I get too old for this?”

“Bite your tongue,” her mother-in-law chastised playfully. “If you're old, what exactly does that make me?”

“A fountain of eternal youth?”

Diana let the obvious sarcasm slide. “And don't you forget it.”

Leanne grinned as she pulled her vibrating phone from her pocket; her smile deepened as she realized it was another text from Cole, checking up on her before his shift started. _I woke up thinking about you_ , he wrote. _How was your day?_

 _Good, actually_ , she responded. _Spent the day with my nephew._ She hesitated, then added, _Honestly, as much as I loved seeing him, I don't know if I could have handled it if you hadn't talked me down last night. Thank you._

She felt her phone buzz in her hands almost immediately as his reply came in, but she felt Diana's eyes on her and reflexively looked up. “What?”

“Your work friend again?”

Leanne sighed. “Momma, I told you...”

“He's just a friend. Mmhmm.” Diana shook her head. “You know, this whole time I thought you were lying to me, but it's more than that. You're lying to yourself, sweetheart.”

“Excuse me?”

“You like this man,” Diana informed her. “I can see it in your face every time that gizmo of yours goes off. You've been here less than a week and I haven't seen you go a full day without talking to him.”

“He's my friend,” Leanne said, rolling her eyes. “Of course I like him.”

Diana looked at her daughter-in-law like she was carefully explaining a difficult concept to a small child. “I think maybe you love him.”

This stopped Leanne cold. “Momma, I'm still in love with Timothy.”

Diana reached out and patted Leanne's leg. “Baby, nobody said you weren't. Listen, I've known you a long time. I remember the way you looked at my son when you were just kids falling in love for the first time, and I see hints of that girl in you now when you talk to Cole. I just want you to know that that's okay. You deserve to have that again. Despite what you seem to think, you're still a reasonably young woman with a lot of years ahead of you. I want you to have someone to spend them with.”

Leanne shook her head. She pulled away from Diana, retreating to the other end of the couch as she pulled her knees up to her chest; she almost seemed to collapse in on herself. “No,” she said. “Some people only get one shot, Momma. I had mine, and now he's gone and I'm done with all that.” Her phone buzzed again insistantly, but she ignored it. The happiness she'd felt only a moment ago at seeing a message from Cole now seemed foreign and incomprehensible to her.

“Well it certainly doesn't seem that way to me,” Diana scoffed. “You like Cole. He clearly likes you quite a bit—I don't care what you say about your schedules, no one stays up talking all night to just any coworker. You know I just want you to be happy, so why can't you admit that there's something going on between you two?”

“Because nothing is... anymore,” Leanne said. She hugged herself, barely lifting her eyes high enough to meet Diana's. “There was something—I don't even know what it was, really. But I ended it. I told him when I got here that I couldn't see him anymore.”

“And why on earth would you do a stupid thing like that?”

This at last elicited a smile, though it didn't quite reach her eyes. “I don't know, Momma.”

“Yes you do,” Diana countered, her tone brokering no room for disagreement. “It's the same reason you've buried yourself in that job and that dingy little apartment for the last three years, doing your damnedest to ignore the fact that there are still people here who love you. You see happiness as some kind of betrayal, like it's something you'd be choosing _over_ Timmy and the kids. It doesn't work that way, sweetheart. They're not going to be any less gone just because you refuse to move on with your life.”

“So what do you want me to do?” Leanne asked. “Everybody keeps telling me I need to get on with my life, but no one can tell me how. I've tried, Momma, but everything I do feels wrong.”

“Being happy feels wrong?”

“Being with another man feels wrong. I feel like I'm cheating on Timothy.”

Diana clucked her tongue sympathetically and reached across the couch to take Leanne's hand. “My sweet girl, you listen to me very carefully. From the day you two met there was nothing my son wanted more in this world than to see you smile. You and I both know that he would still want that now. Isn't that what you'd want for him, if the situation were reversed?”

“No,” Leanne said stubbornly.

The older woman shot her a skeptical look.

“Yes,” she gave in. “Of course.”

Diana squeezed Leanne's fingers lightly. “You have lived with a pain that no mother—no human being—should ever have to bear. You can continue to honor that pain and still make room in your heart for something else.” She let go of Leanne's hand and got up, pausing to kiss the top of her daughter-in-law's head as she passed by. “I'm going to make us some lunch,” she announced. “You go back to your gadget; I believe your young man is waiting for an answer.”

Leanne watched her disappear into the kitchen, turning the phone over in her hands.

Leanne hated snow.

She'd never minded it before—in fact, there was a time when winter was her favorite season, when she loved nothing more than to come back home and see the landscape blanketed in white. But that was when everything she needed was already right here—her husband by her side, her children building snowmen in the yard. Now they were gone, and snow was all that stood between her and L.A.

Between her and Cole.

She'd carried on texting him as usual since her conversation with Diana, not ready yet to let him know what she was thinking as she attempted to sort through her own feelings. As Trevor predicted, her flight had been canceled and she was stranded in Virginia through the weekend. As much as she loved having the extra time with her family, she was impatient to get back to California. Those three days seemed to stretch out forever.

“This guy of yours must be something,” Jamie commented after dinner Sunday night. They were alone in the kitchen, finishing up the dishes while Diana and Trevor watched a movie. “I don't think I've ever seen you so anxious to get out of here, and I know it's not just 'cause you're sick of me.”

Leanne smirked. “Don't be so sure.”

Jamie playfully jabbed her with his elbow, but his expression soon turned serious. “You know I didn't exactly get a chance to meet him while I was out there,” he said. “Your friends didn't seem to like him, though. Should I be worried?”

“My friends didn't like you, either,” she pointed out.

“They don't have to like me. I'm your brother, you're stuck with me. I'm talking about him.”

Leanne sighed. She turned off the faucet, handing him the last of the plates to dry. “He's... not the easiest person in the world to get to know,” she conceded. “He's had a lot of tragedy in his life; we have that in common. He doesn't like people to know how it affects him, so he puts up these walls... I guess maybe we have that in common, too. He's a good man, though. He's good to me.”

“And you like him?”

“I love him.” Leanne let that thought hang in the air between them. It was the first time she'd said the words out loud, and she was surprised by how right they sounded. She loved him. She was still getting used to the idea.

“So you're happy?”

She took a moment to really think about the question. “I'm getting there,” she said finally.

As they joined the rest of the family in the living room, she realized that it was the truth. For the first time since the accident, happiness seemed like an imminent possibility.

Leanne crawled into bed that night feeling more at peace than she had in years. She looked around Timothy's room at the familiar mementos of his childhood and felt love and solace where she had previously found only deep, relentless grief. Jamie was in his own childhood bedroom down the hall and Trevor was asleep on the couch downstairs, both of them having stayed over to see her off in the morning. With her family close by, she finally felt ready to have the conversation she'd been putting off with Cole.

“Please tell me you're coming home,” he said as soon as she FaceTimed him, dispensing with the usual pleasantries. “I don't think the ER's been out of code black since you left. Plus, I kind of miss you.”

She laughed. “Good, because I kind of miss you, too. And yes, I'm coming home. My flight gets in around 4:30 tomorrow.”

“My shift starts at 7,” he said. “Maybe we can grab dinner, if you're not too tired.”

Leanne smiled, relaxing against the pillows. “I'd like that. Actually, I don't remember the last time I felt this rested.”

“I'm glad,” he said. “So you're happy you went?”

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. She sighed contentedly as she looked around. “I think this trip was really good for me. I've spent so long trying not to think about my family, or at least control how and when I think about them. I've been so afraid to come back here because I knew that they'd be everywhere, and I didn't think I could handle it.”

“And you realized you were wrong?”

She shook her head. “I realized that it's okay to not be able to handle it sometimes. And it's okay to have people I can lean on to get me through it—Diana, Jamie, Jesse... you...” She waited until he smiled in acknowledgement, and then added, “It's been so hard not to feel like any kind of happiness would be at my family's expense, like putting my life back together would mean I didn't love them enough or... I don't know. And the thing is, I know that's not true, but it's going to take me some time to learn how not to think that way. Do you understand?”

“I do,” he confirmed. “I get it. And Leanne, what I said before still goes. Whatever you need, I'm here. Whatever time you need, take it. I just want you to know you can talk to me.”

“I know,” she said. Her eyes wandered to one of the photos on Timothy's old nightstand. “Did I ever tell you how he got me to marry him?”

“No,” he said, and she could hear the smile in his voice. “How'd he pull that off?”

“It started with the biggest fight we'd ever had,” she recounted. “It was our senior year of high school, and we'd been talking for months about how we were gonna get out of here, go to school on the west coast, and never come back—typical small town kid stuff. Only Tim was never really the academic type, you know? He was smart as hell when it came to dealing with people, he just didn't have the patience to sit down and stick his nose in a book.”

“Somehow I can't picture you with anyone who wasn't at the top of their class.”

Leanne laughed. “I got frustrated with him over it, I'm not saying I didn't,” she admitted. “But we balanced each other out. He got me to go out and have fun, and I got him to stay in and study. Anyway, he got into a couple of colleges out here, but he didn't have the grades for UCLA—and I did.”

“Ouch,” Cole said. “And he didn't want you to go?”

“Oh, no,” Leanne said. “I didn't want to go without him. That's what our fight was about; he was furious that I would even consider staying here. He even threatened to break up with me just so I wouldn't have any reason not to go.”

“And clearly that was a compelling argument,” Cole guessed.

Leanne nodded. “I kept telling him that I'd hate it and come right back home. I wanted so badly to be miserable, because I missed him so much and I hated being apart, but I loved California. I have to give Tim credit; he knew I would, and he was right. I loved the school and my classes and my friends... but I felt so guilty, building this whole new life without him.” She bit her lip, the irony of her current situation not lost on her. “Anyway, neither of us could afford to fly across the country for visits so I only saw him when I came home on breaks. The summer after my sophomore year, I got home and he was waiting for me on my parents' front porch with an envelope and a jewelry box. He gave me the envelope first; it was his acceptance letter to Cal State L.A. Turns out he'd been working his ass off to get his grades up high enough to transfer. I had no idea—he hadn't said anything, I guess in case it didn't work. I can't tell you how happy I was to read that letter... and then when I looked up, he was down on one knee with a ring, telling me he never wanted to be apart again. We were married by the fall.”

“Smart man, not letting you get away,” Cole commented.

“Yeah, well, not everybody thought so,” Leanne said. “My dad was furious—he thought I was throwing my life away getting married so young. He was convinced that I'd end up dropping out of school, and he stopped paying my tuition to... I don't know, prove himself right I guess. If Tim's parents hadn't stepped in I don't know what I would have done. They put us both through college and even helped me get through med school. They really treated me like I was their own daughter.”

“Did you and your dad ever make up?”

“Not really,” she said with a slight wince. “Nothing I did was ever good enough, you know? No choice I made was ever right. We haven't really talked much since my mom died.”

He waited a beat, and then asked, “Do you ever think about getting married again?”

There was a pause before Leanne answered. “I didn't exactly think about it much the first time,” she admitted. On a more serious note, she added, “If you had asked me before this trip, my answer would have been a hard no. Now... I don't really have an answer. I just know that I can't go on like this, doing nothing. It's not good for me and it's not what they'd want. I know I have to build a life for myself, it's just going to take me some time to figure out what that looks like.”

Cole gave her a small smile. “I think you were right,” he said. “This trip _has_ been good for you.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “It really has.”

She normally slept on planes. She didn't this time; she was too wired, between the bittersweet goodbye to her family in Virginia with the promise—sincere, for once—that she would be back to visit soon, and the anticipation of reuniting with Cole in California. She was beginning to imagine a future for herself, and it no longer looked like a punishment she'd been sentenced to or a void she'd have to ignore. Jesse had told her once that he wanted her to live; she finally felt like she knew how.

She'd planned to drop her bags off at her apartment and head straight to Cole's place. She was in such a rush that she walked right by him in her lobby, where he'd clearly been waiting long enough to get comfortable.

“What,” he said as he scrambled to his feet, “I don't see you for a week and I can't even get a hello?”

Leanne stopped in her tracks and dropped her suitcase as she spun around. “I'm home five minutes and you're already staking out my building?” she retorted with a smirk.

Cole's face fell. “You're right, I'm sorry. You said you needed space, and I shouldn't have—”

She reached for him, pulling him close enough to lean up for a kiss. “I'm glad you're here,” she said in case she hadn't already made that clear.

“Really?”

She nodded and proved it again. “Come upstairs.”

She led him to her apartment and offered him a drink before settling into the living room. It didn't take them long to run out of small talk—despite having been on opposite coasts there wasn't much they didn't already know about how each other's week went thanks to the near-constant flow of texts and calls. As the conversation lulled, she found herself lying against him on the couch enjoying the sensation of his fingers running through her hair. It was a familiar pose, comfortable in a way she'd never fully allowed herself to acknowledge before. It felt right.

“I had time to think a lot while I was out there,” she said. “About this... us. Relax,” she added with a grin as she felt Cole tense beneath her. “I promise it's not what you're thinking.”

“Can I just say something?” he asked. “I know I come on too strong sometimes. You told me from the start that you weren't ready for this and I didn't listen, and I'm sorry. I'm listening now. But I want you in my life, Leanne. As a friend, if nothing else. I hated not being able to see you all week, and not knowing if you'd even want to see me when you got back—I've been a mess. We can slow down, we can step back, whatever you need, but I don't want to lose you completely. You mean too much to me.”

She turned so that she was lying on her stomach with her hands pressed against his chest. “I don't want to slow down or step back,” she told him. “I love you, Cole. It scared the hell out of me that I could feel this way again, but I'm not scared anymore. I want to try and have a life again. I want to give us a real shot.”

“Are you sure you're ready?”

“Honestly, I don't think there's any such thing. I can't promise that I'll be good at this or that it'll be easy or that I won't panic again at the thought of being too happy. The truth is I don't know if I can make this work, but I want to try... if you still want to.”

“You know I do,” he told her, lightly brushing her bangs out of her face with his thumb. “Just don't run across the country next time you're having second thoughts, okay? You know impulse control isn't my strong suit, and it took everything I had not to get on a plane. I actually had dinner with my dad three times in the last week just to distract myself—do you know how many times we've had dinner together in the past three _years_? Zero. I didn't even see him this often when I lived at home. He's probably expecting this to be a regular thing now, and I can't even tell him it's your fault.”

Leanne laughed.

“You think that's funny?” Cole teased. “You go have dinner with him, then.”

She opted not to remind him that she'd been friends with his father for years, and as such had had dinner with Rollie on numerous occasions. Instead she sighed contentedly, lightly tracing the pattern on his shirt with her finger.

“What?” he asked, sensing a mood shift.

“Nothing,” she said. She looked around at her tiny apartment, made somewhat homier by his shoes next to hers by the door and his sweater draped over her chair—not to mention his presence, secure and warm, on the couch beside her. She smiled up at him, and in that moment there was nowhere she would rather be. “I'm just really happy to be home.”


End file.
